Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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