Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
