I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
