do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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