I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize