He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
