Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
