I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
