my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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