when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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