Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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