Moan for me like Helen Keller
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
