take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize