There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
