Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Holy sore nipples Batman
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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