His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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