if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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