Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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