i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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