Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
