Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
