Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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