I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am naked and annoyed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize