I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
