Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
