Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize