one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
