i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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