she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
