dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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