Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
