it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
