so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
