Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
