WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize