I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
