As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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