Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
