If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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