im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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