I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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