Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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