Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
