the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
