Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
