Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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