don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
