What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
