Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
