Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
