We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
false alarm, still single
Randomize