I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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