Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
