no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
