its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
