i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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