So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
All the doctor said was why
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
