M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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