I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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