The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
