If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
